Old blog - found it!

Yep. I found my old blog and, really, my last post in it saddened me. Hm. Have I really been like what I am now ever since November? Or did I just exaggerate back then?

Whatever the situation, I'm getting more and more dreams during nights as well. And I'm still having trouble telling whether they're dreams or not when I wake up (unless I am woken up from reality world). The idea of trying to learn to use reality checks actually sounds reasonable. And very, I assume it would at least help me here because I'm really struggling with that stuff. I assume I should start writing down my dreams again, maybe there is a detail that I should pay attention to - one that doesn't exist or doesn't happen in real life that much.

When I reread my posts here, I also remembered about school. What the fuck am I going to do there, because I just seem mentally challenged to myself. Now I'll have to keep myself content with a huge lack of sleep, food and entertainment for hours.

And I'm sure that I'll reread my posts after a year, then I'll regret writing this stuff. It's always like that.

And now it's time for me to write down a review about an album or smtn. I s'pose.

Tool - Lateralus

Quote: "I am s/h(im)e[r] as you am s/h(im)e[r] as you ..."

"Let's suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time or any length of time you wanted to have, and you would naturaly as you began on this adventure of dreams you would fufill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive and after serveral nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say "wow that was pretty great, but now lets umm lets have a surprise, lets have a dream which isn't under control where something is going to happen to me that I don't know what it's going to be" and uhh you would do that and come out of that and say "wow that was a close shave wasn't it" and then you would get more and more adventureous and you would make further and further gambles as to what your dream, and finally you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today."

Excellent lyrics from an excellent song and band, and album.

Giraffes? Giraffes! - I am s/h(im)e[r] as you am s/h(im)e[r] as you ...

Redemption: Old computer alive again!

This just proves that my PC is a run-on-the-mill piece of metal and wierd electronic artwork which I do not even fucking comprehend. But, all-in-all, it's alive again and my music (the whopping 50 GB!) is alive again! Therefore I am capable of posting music from time to time again, not only my boring and derpressing walls of text.

Although, one or two new ones might appear every once a week if I contribute to this often enough. Feel free to skip, though. And forward the music, if you want to.

Metallica - Suicide & Redemption

Ah, shit! I've got no way to label this one!

Yes. My computer is still dead, so no music until I get it back. Feels wierd when I haven't found out about a new band & stuff for over 2 weeks. I'm not sure if that's correct anyway. I remember dates like most people remember their dreams.

I came to the conclusion that I should stop drinking. For the 5th time at least (yeslol!). But this one almost ended quite badly - instead of just trying to punch walls to get rid of excess energy and/or anger, I actually tried to strangle myself (I had forgotten that people can't do that with their own hands, fuck) and somehow managed to save someone else from cutting herself a few minutes or hours later, I'm not quite sure. One of the few times I had to look after everybody, not the other way around. Huh. Funny, despite the fact that I seemed to be the most emotionally unstable that night.

I also feel that my life is going in a giga roller coaster. Something IS wrong with me, but I don't know what. I fear the psychiatrist just because they write down stuff in their permanent records and they can screw up... Something? I dunno, I probably need to research that. And the other chance is a psychotherapist, but they cost a shitload of cash (hence they're called psycho-the-rapist). Although, I've been mad with the idea that I have this & that disorder, I'm slowly starting to disbelieve it. For now, since the attempt my mood's been pretty ok, no reckless behaviour or sulking over nothing.

So, I don't think I'm going to the doctor for a while. I might ask my physician or something, but right now - I feel fine and whatever idea I had about fixing myself with mood stabilizers or talking for hours on end, they're sorta... Well, considered absolete. Maybe it'll swim back up. But as far as I've thought, maybe it's not depression at all. Not manic or major, at least. It's more likely that they're addictions. The computer and alcohol. I'd say they make the biggest impact on my train of thought and everything else. Yeah, I most likely won't get rid of either. But just like Tourettes guy always says: "I don't give a shit!" and "You can suck my dick! Or cock!"

Also, it's getting cold - for the first time in a few months, I actually had a cough from the temperature at night. Fuuuuuucking autumn. Oh, well.

Company Fuck And The Toilet - Vaginas Or Not (not for weak-hearted people)